Grief, touching up my memories

grief came to stay one day

and harshly took my hand

delved in my chest

squeezed my heart

and an ache began to spread

into my weary mind

i sat and quietly wept

quiet weeping at the start

but then as grief delved deeper

long lasting sobs

that tore deep chasms

into the paths

that you and i had walked

grief wasn’t done

not even near to done

deeper and deeper

until my life was torn

away from yours

i looked at grief and asked

why

i slumped there in disbelief

when in reply

grief smiled

and said

it’s time for us to bargain

it’s easy

i replied

i want you from my life

the joy, the delight that was my life

i want it back

and you i want completely gone

the beauty, the wonder, the to be found

i want it back as well

at that grief saddened

and quietly wept

my heart i had to harden

be gone

i will not with you bargain

the sadness of losing

someone close

the depth I can no longer walk

the ache that fills me constantly

i want it all to go

the sobs that came from grief

too much for even me to see

i closed my eyes and wept

my words tore grief apart

as grief turned

and slowly walked away

i felt at once relief

the pain was gone

the sadness too

the memories all grew dim

and yet

grief's words i heard

the words were very dim

the sound so far away

they echoed in my mind

a terrible bargain you aim to drive

one i hear so very often

of life unlived

of love unloved

of memories to be forgotten

i want them both

i want it back

my life, my love, the memories

but you must go

you cannot be

that taints the final ending

that’s my bargain

then walk with me

grief replied

your life

your love

your memories

can all still be

can all exist

it’s me that lets you reach them

i sat

and thought

and felt

and cried

great desolation overwhelmed me

but then I stopped

i breathed so deeply

and slowly i began to dance

i danced

with joy

with great delight

and utter and complete abandon

could grief be right

could joy be found

among the memories

that grief now tightly held

i sat

i wept

i smiled

i now walk the paths that we both walked

a different companion with me now

grief is not as good

not near as fun

but without grief

i’d have nothing

the joy you brought

the pain we felt

the amazing love we shared

it’s all still there

the colour painted through my life

and grief

grief quietly sits

touching up the colours

every day grief faithfully repaints

the texture of our life

as i recall them from our past

I walk with grief

we are friends now

it’s grief that lets me walk

the paths we walked

that I must walk

alone and without you

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2015 (written May 2015)

My Aloneness

I sat one day and watched

watched and waited

waited and waited

waited

and i felt

felt alone and lonely

how could that be

you love me

you say you do

but i am lonely

a moment

but you rushed on by

a moment

but you stopped to

i don’t even know what

but it wasn’t me

i waited

waited

waited

until I could wait no more

i reached for you

and though you were there

you were gone

and i waited

it must be me

that is only lonely

it must be me

that can’t keep busy

it must be me

that needs to reach for you

and draw you in

but it can’t be me

it must be you

you must see i’m lonely

you must see me alone

but you rush on by

i reach for you

the lightest of touches

the faintest of glances

and you notice

smile

and are gone

and the gone

is good for you

it has to be

it needs to be

but you are gone

so i reach

for the lonely

for the aloneness

and wrap it

around me

and dive

deep

into aloneness

and find

a maze

a bewildering maze

of me

full of me

surrounded by me

i wander slowly through me

searching

amazed at who i am

amazed at what there is

that i’d never seen before

that seemed impossible and unknown

aloneness I know

aloneness i feel

and i follow the scent of loneliness

the lingering tease of being by myself

deep into me

and find

wonder

amazement

and delight

the loneliness that is me

is me

and only me

there is beauty in my aloneness

and my loneliness weeps from it

i stare in amazement

that something so extraordinary

could be so deep and so radiant

I must show you

what i have found

that my aloneness is me

and my loneliness

was my guide

but

the bustle

the need

the perfect right

to be you

will you see

what i see

see the beauty of my aloneness

does it matter

i still sit

i still sit

i still watch and wait

wait and wait

but now i have

something else

and i stand

stand with you

and show you

and you stare in wonder

i never knew

neither did i

i’m still alone

i still feel lonely

but now

I know

that you are too

and that aloneness

is full

of wonder and delight

for me to find

and for you to find too

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2015 (written April 2015)

The Field of Listening

i looked across the field

to see the pain, the hurt enormous

a landscape contoured with fear

here one stood to guard a little patch

there another striving to fulfill a dream

still another, digging, always digging

then the quiet ones, the locked away ones

the ones that seemed faraway, distant or gone

as if they lived here physically but elsewhere in reality

for them

occasionally a flicker of recognition

that reality is here not there

and they begin to move, explore

and then again, be bound by the field of pain

little islands lived, seemingly free of pain

little islands that are different

bright in their warmth, depth and peace

little islands that seemed to be

oasis

the field encompassed them, surrounded them

little tendrils of pain reached into them

some almost shattered with deep veins of hurt and pain

but somehow they survived

little islands of peace and harmony, laced and entwined with pain

an island flickered out, one more gone

engulfed by the waves of fear and pain

the field, one day, would win

and all would live in pain

here and there harbingers thrived

drew pleasure from the pain

and played on the fears of those around them

sang songs of failure and hurt

and for them the islands were a blight

to be conquered, to be sundered through

how could some live, truly live, among the pain

and choose not to fear, continue on

they had to be broken, to succumb

far, far away an island began

one chose not to fear

another chose that too

an island of hope rose from the sea of pain

now that i saw one, there were many more

the field of pain was always changing

more islands emerging

some islands gone

in my hope i saw, all would not live in pain

the little patch

the dream some strive to build

the hole that’s been dug and dug

battered from all sides

bruised from defending their patch

i look at the islands and wonder

why

are they

fools who will all break

dreamers who will transform the field anew

stubborn, willfully going their own way

arrogantly ignoring the field around

the patch is yours, the world that you've created

everything you have

everything you've eked from the field of pain

but there must be more, there’s always more

and fear demands to ease it’s fear, go take forever more

i watched one move among the masses

stopping along the way

listening, conversing, battered, even broken

it was as if, enduring the pain

but never being filled with the fear of the pain to come

there was a blindness to them, an unseeing

one confronted with a harbinger

offered, gave, listened

and the harbinger shrunk back

this one would be hard, this one would be tough

better to destroy the oasis than to tackle this one

i turned to my neighbour and listened

i took some of what they had dug

together we delved in the pain

immersed ourselves in the fear that surrounded us

and chose over fear, to love

unseeing, we became blind to the fear that our neighbours all felt

and began building something together

i hate seeing pain, but i am who i am

in the total dark i can walk through the field

drawn to the pain

waiting for that moment, that incredible moment

when fear seems so far away

and we can build

those around me can build and i can feel safe

none of us though can stay at an oasis

we are always drawn to move along

trusting that those that remain and build them

will nurture, grow, treasure them

trusting that though they are laced and entwined with pain

they will grow in depth, brightness and joy

again

i look across the field of pain and see hope and wonder

i smiled, moved, drawn forever on

looking back i see an oasis where there wasn’t one before

if only i could go back

if only i could go back to that island

an oasis of joy, peace and harmony

live out my life on an island

but going back can never be

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2015 (written Jan 2015)