Unwelcome friend

i have a new friend

one i'm not happy with

but i can't seem to be rid of

to make go away or to remove from my life

i never invited, i never encouraged

but somehow it happened

the relationship built from nothing

and just happened

and has grown and become prominent in my life

how did it begin

it's like you've been in my life all the time

but of course you haven't

my life was healthy without you, always was

but now

it's like you've brought a malaise into my life

you're definitely not good for me

but i can't get you out of my life

you've demanded my attention

as much of it as you could get

it was only a little early on

an itch to scratch, an annoying ache

until i could ignore your nagging presence no longer

your constant communication

your constant need for attention

my friends have suffered

i've had to cancel on them

had to put off time with them for you

but what's worse

my family misses me

that pains me so

it causes me so much anguish

that you expect me to put you ahead of my family

and my anguish

is that i have to

my gorgeous partner

who i walk through life with

now has another suitor competing for my time

till the end of time

we promised each other

you'd like that

you draw it closer

you want the end of time

to be with me until then

my children

they miss me badly

they don't understand why i spend so much time with you

why would they

life is fun and new for them

i helped them explore it

discover it

before you came along

and now you

take me to lands they can never imagine

to places they can't even envisage

gone is what they must feel

with you

but what can i say to them

i have you, you who demands so much of my life and time

their energy enlivens me for a time

their smiles and delight when i spend time with them

it really is only them that pull me from your clutches

them that mean i feel whole again without you in my life

their lives mean my life is back

that you are gone

and for a time with them

i forget all about you

i love those times

when you are gone

when i don't think about you at all

and you can't seem to get through to me

they are the days i smile, laugh and relax

thinking you are gone

and then

you find a way back in

you won't let me be

i hate those times

i cry, i cry for hours on end

let me be

leave me alone

the futility of my tears just means i cry them more

slowly you've entwined yourself in more of my life

intimately you've wound yourself through my body

you are me

you are made of me

and i hate that most

that you, take me and make me you

slowly, relentlessly you take from me and make you

i hold on so tightly to who i am

i demand to be left that essence of who i am

but you ignore me

you even laugh at me

in the end, you intend for me to be yours

worse than that

you intend me for another

you prepare me for the other

but why so early

why can't you let me be

i have my beloved

and i have my angels

why can't i be with them

and forget about you

weariness covers me

tears stream from my face

my body struggles against itself

storms in my head leave me groggy

aches in my body leave me in pain

then i hear a voice

happy birthday

from my beloved

from my little angels

i have made another year

our friendship has yet to be consumated

you do not have me yet

i hate you

i hate you with a passion

because you hate life

and if there is anything that i love

it is life

it is love

it is joy and hope

and your intention is to take them away

but you can't

i will never let you

and today

of all days

with my family

you cannot have me

i love too much

at this moment

even you

i love you

you are as much me as i will ever admit

transformed maybe

malignant maybe

but you are me

begone and never come back

i will live

i will love

i will hope

for those that mean more to me

my beloved, angels, family and friends

between us we will make memories you can never be part of

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2014 (written Nov 2014)

Grief, touching up my memories

grief came to stay one day

and harshly took my hand

delved in my chest

squeezed my heart

and an ache began to spread

into my weary mind

i sat and quietly wept

quiet weeping at the start

but then as grief delved deeper

long lasting sobs

that tore deep chasms

into the paths

that you and i had walked

grief wasn’t done

not even near to done

deeper and deeper

until my life was torn

away from yours

i looked at grief and asked

why

i slumped there in disbelief

when in reply

grief smiled

and said

it’s time for us to bargain

it’s easy

i replied

i want you from my life

the joy, the delight that was my life

i want it back

and you i want completely gone

the beauty, the wonder, the to be found

i want it back as well

at that grief saddened

and quietly wept

my heart i had to harden

be gone

i will not with you bargain

the sadness of losing

someone close

the depth I can no longer walk

the ache that fills me constantly

i want it all to go

the sobs that came from grief

too much for even me to see

i closed my eyes and wept

my words tore grief apart

as grief turned

and slowly walked away

i felt at once relief

the pain was gone

the sadness too

the memories all grew dim

and yet

grief's words i heard

the words were very dim

the sound so far away

they echoed in my mind

a terrible bargain you aim to drive

one i hear so very often

of life unlived

of love unloved

of memories to be forgotten

i want them both

i want it back

my life, my love, the memories

but you must go

you cannot be

that taints the final ending

that’s my bargain

then walk with me

grief replied

your life

your love

your memories

can all still be

can all exist

it’s me that lets you reach them

i sat

and thought

and felt

and cried

great desolation overwhelmed me

but then I stopped

i breathed so deeply

and slowly i began to dance

i danced

with joy

with great delight

and utter and complete abandon

could grief be right

could joy be found

among the memories

that grief now tightly held

i sat

i wept

i smiled

i now walk the paths that we both walked

a different companion with me now

grief is not as good

not near as fun

but without grief

i’d have nothing

the joy you brought

the pain we felt

the amazing love we shared

it’s all still there

the colour painted through my life

and grief

grief quietly sits

touching up the colours

every day grief faithfully repaints

the texture of our life

as i recall them from our past

I walk with grief

we are friends now

it’s grief that lets me walk

the paths we walked

that I must walk

alone and without you

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2015 (written May 2015)