i have a new friend
one i'm not happy with
but i can't seem to be rid of
to make go away or to remove from my life
i never invited, i never encouraged
but somehow it happened
the relationship built from nothing
and just happened
and has grown and become prominent in my life
how did it begin
it's like you've been in my life all the time
but of course you haven't
my life was healthy without you, always was
but now
it's like you've brought a malaise into my life
you're definitely not good for me
but i can't get you out of my life
you've demanded my attention
as much of it as you could get
it was only a little early on
an itch to scratch, an annoying ache
until i could ignore your nagging presence no longer
your constant communication
your constant need for attention
my friends have suffered
i've had to cancel on them
had to put off time with them for you
but what's worse
my family misses me
that pains me so
it causes me so much anguish
that you expect me to put you ahead of my family
and my anguish
is that i have to
my gorgeous partner
who i walk through life with
now has another suitor competing for my time
till the end of time
we promised each other
you'd like that
you draw it closer
you want the end of time
to be with me until then
my children
they miss me badly
they don't understand why i spend so much time with you
why would they
life is fun and new for them
i helped them explore it
discover it
before you came along
and now you
take me to lands they can never imagine
to places they can't even envisage
gone is what they must feel
with you
but what can i say to them
i have you, you who demands so much of my life and time
their energy enlivens me for a time
their smiles and delight when i spend time with them
it really is only them that pull me from your clutches
them that mean i feel whole again without you in my life
their lives mean my life is back
that you are gone
and for a time with them
i forget all about you
i love those times
when you are gone
when i don't think about you at all
and you can't seem to get through to me
they are the days i smile, laugh and relax
thinking you are gone
and then
you find a way back in
you won't let me be
i hate those times
i cry, i cry for hours on end
let me be
leave me alone
the futility of my tears just means i cry them more
slowly you've entwined yourself in more of my life
intimately you've wound yourself through my body
you are me
you are made of me
and i hate that most
that you, take me and make me you
slowly, relentlessly you take from me and make you
i hold on so tightly to who i am
i demand to be left that essence of who i am
but you ignore me
you even laugh at me
in the end, you intend for me to be yours
worse than that
you intend me for another
you prepare me for the other
but why so early
why can't you let me be
i have my beloved
and i have my angels
why can't i be with them
and forget about you
weariness covers me
tears stream from my face
my body struggles against itself
storms in my head leave me groggy
aches in my body leave me in pain
then i hear a voice
happy birthday
from my beloved
from my little angels
i have made another year
our friendship has yet to be consumated
you do not have me yet
i hate you
i hate you with a passion
because you hate life
and if there is anything that i love
it is life
it is love
it is joy and hope
and your intention is to take them away
but you can't
i will never let you
and today
of all days
with my family
you cannot have me
i love too much
at this moment
even you
i love you
you are as much me as i will ever admit
transformed maybe
malignant maybe
but you are me
begone and never come back
i will live
i will love
i will hope
for those that mean more to me
my beloved, angels, family and friends
between us we will make memories you can never be part of
(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2014 (written Nov 2014)
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