My Aloneness

I sat one day and watched

watched and waited

waited and waited

waited

and i felt

felt alone and lonely

how could that be

you love me

you say you do

but i am lonely

a moment

but you rushed on by

a moment

but you stopped to

i don’t even know what

but it wasn’t me

i waited

waited

waited

until I could wait no more

i reached for you

and though you were there

you were gone

and i waited

it must be me

that is only lonely

it must be me

that can’t keep busy

it must be me

that needs to reach for you

and draw you in

but it can’t be me

it must be you

you must see i’m lonely

you must see me alone

but you rush on by

i reach for you

the lightest of touches

the faintest of glances

and you notice

smile

and are gone

and the gone

is good for you

it has to be

it needs to be

but you are gone

so i reach

for the lonely

for the aloneness

and wrap it

around me

and dive

deep

into aloneness

and find

a maze

a bewildering maze

of me

full of me

surrounded by me

i wander slowly through me

searching

amazed at who i am

amazed at what there is

that i’d never seen before

that seemed impossible and unknown

aloneness I know

aloneness i feel

and i follow the scent of loneliness

the lingering tease of being by myself

deep into me

and find

wonder

amazement

and delight

the loneliness that is me

is me

and only me

there is beauty in my aloneness

and my loneliness weeps from it

i stare in amazement

that something so extraordinary

could be so deep and so radiant

I must show you

what i have found

that my aloneness is me

and my loneliness

was my guide

but

the bustle

the need

the perfect right

to be you

will you see

what i see

see the beauty of my aloneness

does it matter

i still sit

i still sit

i still watch and wait

wait and wait

but now i have

something else

and i stand

stand with you

and show you

and you stare in wonder

i never knew

neither did i

i’m still alone

i still feel lonely

but now

I know

that you are too

and that aloneness

is full

of wonder and delight

for me to find

and for you to find too

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2015 (written April 2015)

The Field of Listening

i looked across the field

to see the pain, the hurt enormous

a landscape contoured with fear

here one stood to guard a little patch

there another striving to fulfill a dream

still another, digging, always digging

then the quiet ones, the locked away ones

the ones that seemed faraway, distant or gone

as if they lived here physically but elsewhere in reality

for them

occasionally a flicker of recognition

that reality is here not there

and they begin to move, explore

and then again, be bound by the field of pain

little islands lived, seemingly free of pain

little islands that are different

bright in their warmth, depth and peace

little islands that seemed to be

oasis

the field encompassed them, surrounded them

little tendrils of pain reached into them

some almost shattered with deep veins of hurt and pain

but somehow they survived

little islands of peace and harmony, laced and entwined with pain

an island flickered out, one more gone

engulfed by the waves of fear and pain

the field, one day, would win

and all would live in pain

here and there harbingers thrived

drew pleasure from the pain

and played on the fears of those around them

sang songs of failure and hurt

and for them the islands were a blight

to be conquered, to be sundered through

how could some live, truly live, among the pain

and choose not to fear, continue on

they had to be broken, to succumb

far, far away an island began

one chose not to fear

another chose that too

an island of hope rose from the sea of pain

now that i saw one, there were many more

the field of pain was always changing

more islands emerging

some islands gone

in my hope i saw, all would not live in pain

the little patch

the dream some strive to build

the hole that’s been dug and dug

battered from all sides

bruised from defending their patch

i look at the islands and wonder

why

are they

fools who will all break

dreamers who will transform the field anew

stubborn, willfully going their own way

arrogantly ignoring the field around

the patch is yours, the world that you've created

everything you have

everything you've eked from the field of pain

but there must be more, there’s always more

and fear demands to ease it’s fear, go take forever more

i watched one move among the masses

stopping along the way

listening, conversing, battered, even broken

it was as if, enduring the pain

but never being filled with the fear of the pain to come

there was a blindness to them, an unseeing

one confronted with a harbinger

offered, gave, listened

and the harbinger shrunk back

this one would be hard, this one would be tough

better to destroy the oasis than to tackle this one

i turned to my neighbour and listened

i took some of what they had dug

together we delved in the pain

immersed ourselves in the fear that surrounded us

and chose over fear, to love

unseeing, we became blind to the fear that our neighbours all felt

and began building something together

i hate seeing pain, but i am who i am

in the total dark i can walk through the field

drawn to the pain

waiting for that moment, that incredible moment

when fear seems so far away

and we can build

those around me can build and i can feel safe

none of us though can stay at an oasis

we are always drawn to move along

trusting that those that remain and build them

will nurture, grow, treasure them

trusting that though they are laced and entwined with pain

they will grow in depth, brightness and joy

again

i look across the field of pain and see hope and wonder

i smiled, moved, drawn forever on

looking back i see an oasis where there wasn’t one before

if only i could go back

if only i could go back to that island

an oasis of joy, peace and harmony

live out my life on an island

but going back can never be

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2015 (written Jan 2015)

Scattered

Unwelcome friend - the impact of cancer in a friend's life
The Field of Listening - listening can change lives

Dad & Mum

Let me Forget - Remembrance day's impact
Chocolates and Advocaat - the final act of love

The Wanderer

Part 1: Hidden
Part 2: Who
Part 3: Companion

Chocolates and Advocaat

love never dies

a heart is never broken

the pain may be unbearable

the sadness without depth

but love never dies

and a heart is never broken

unless a choice is made

to turn away from love

it’s fascinating to remember

how it all began

unexpected delightful spirited

someone I never knew

for a time a loving partner

beauty beyond compare

and now a complete stranger

your beauty still beyond compare

how did you change

why did you change

the world was cruel to us

finding a stranger in our places

let me go back

let us go back

there is no going back

you chose to turn away from love

the choice was made for you

the pain you bore

the sadness grew

from family, life and war

they never left

they never dimmed

and we could find no way

your mind it broke

you could not see

the love i felt for you

how can a mind delude itself

to seeing someone in my place

you hated him

because of him

you hated me

my love never dies

my heart is never broken

your pain too deep

the hurt too much

your sadness never ending

all i can give

to show my love

chocolates and advocaat

the nurse she said

when he passed on

the little man

with his white hair

he always gave

and made for sure

chocolates and advocaat

she had in plenty

his love never died

his heart at times was broken

his pain was deep

from joy

and sadness too

his love as stubborn

as the man he was

a walk of love

that in the end

chocolates and advocaat

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2014 (written Nov 2014)