You're beautiful

i stare in the mirror

i watch

you look into your mirror

pick out the flaws

your eyes

move to places

reminding you

the scars

of how you have lived life

how it has lived through you

of how it has hurt you

the bumps

how it has bruised you

i know you're not talking about

and i see beauty

physical beauty

more than your body

i see beauty

deeply painful

resilient

everlasting

beauty

i see more than that

there is so much more

glimpses of

signs of

when I look in the mirror

someone who has lived

engaged with life

inquisitive

exploring

always searching

i look into my eyes

and then you’re gone

still there

but gone

drawn deep

I follow where you go

into my soul

your soul

i have no breath

the world gone away

it is only you

and me

i see the scars there

and i see

how the scars on your skin

match the streaks on your soul

the bumps on your body

to the shape of your soul

but

there are no flaws

the sadness

here

there is the beauty

i glimpsed

on the outside

there is sadness

that comes from deep caring

compassion

entwinement

the darkness

there is darkness

even total darkness

here

touch is needed here

sensuous tender touch

emptiness

then

nothing

for a moment

lost

empty

racing heart

panic

leads to a quiet

nothing

sometimes i see nice things

but beauty

drawn from nothing

how is beauty made from nothing

by being you

as you as you can be

and then

the scars

the bumps

and seeming flaws

show their resilient beauty

not so much of late

a soft gentle mist blows in

over much of your soul

hiding so much from view

that's ok too

i sit

in the silence

as the mist envelops me

drawing me in deeper

and your voice

quietly asks

and the answer is always

the same

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2015 (written Oct 2015)

Our Footsteps on the Shore

one day

i saved a bird from falling

a huge distance above the earth

it seemed so not to understand

how hard the ground would be

so

the life i gave it

will keep it safe for ever

it seems to me confusing

why the bird still has it’s wings

the other day

i saved a fish from drowning

deep in the sea it swam

it startled me so badly

it failed to understand

the inevitability of drowning

i saved that fish from drowning

i gave it life for a time

sadly

tragically

that same day

it lost the will to swim

just last night

i saved a demon from the darkness

into the light

i drew it slowly

as dawn broke all around us

the sun

it had never seen

the sunlight seemed to burn it

and now it too

has gone away

so today

i’ll walk my way through life

my footsteps in the sand

and when i see just single sets

I’ll tell that god … fuck off

it’s my life to live as i choose it

porpoising the oceans

soaring high above the earth

cavorting with my demons

singing songs with my angels

if there’s going to be a single set of footsteps

they’re mine

not yours

and look

look around me

the wonder

the shore is covered
with thousands

upon thousands

of footsteps

not even counting those

that time and tide have washed away

and who’s

who’s

can claim to be those of god

Many years ago I read the poem "Footsteps in the Sand". It always sat uncomfortably with me. Even as a christian back then it annoyed me that in the difficult times god would carry me. I never really got my head around understanding that properly.

Recently I had reason to read it again.
Yesterday I heard a buddhist concept called "saving the fish from drowning". I'd never heard it before and this is the explanation. As a buddhist you can't kill anything. That's a conundrum for a fisherman. So what do you do ... you save the fish from drowning. What a fucked up concept. And then the footsteps poem clicked with why I disliked it so much.

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2015 (written Sep 2015)

Unwelcome friend

i have a new friend

one i'm not happy with

but i can't seem to be rid of

to make go away or to remove from my life

i never invited, i never encouraged

but somehow it happened

the relationship built from nothing

and just happened

and has grown and become prominent in my life

how did it begin

it's like you've been in my life all the time

but of course you haven't

my life was healthy without you, always was

but now

it's like you've brought a malaise into my life

you're definitely not good for me

but i can't get you out of my life

you've demanded my attention

as much of it as you could get

it was only a little early on

an itch to scratch, an annoying ache

until i could ignore your nagging presence no longer

your constant communication

your constant need for attention

my friends have suffered

i've had to cancel on them

had to put off time with them for you

but what's worse

my family misses me

that pains me so

it causes me so much anguish

that you expect me to put you ahead of my family

and my anguish

is that i have to

my gorgeous partner

who i walk through life with

now has another suitor competing for my time

till the end of time

we promised each other

you'd like that

you draw it closer

you want the end of time

to be with me until then

my children

they miss me badly

they don't understand why i spend so much time with you

why would they

life is fun and new for them

i helped them explore it

discover it

before you came along

and now you

take me to lands they can never imagine

to places they can't even envisage

gone is what they must feel

with you

but what can i say to them

i have you, you who demands so much of my life and time

their energy enlivens me for a time

their smiles and delight when i spend time with them

it really is only them that pull me from your clutches

them that mean i feel whole again without you in my life

their lives mean my life is back

that you are gone

and for a time with them

i forget all about you

i love those times

when you are gone

when i don't think about you at all

and you can't seem to get through to me

they are the days i smile, laugh and relax

thinking you are gone

and then

you find a way back in

you won't let me be

i hate those times

i cry, i cry for hours on end

let me be

leave me alone

the futility of my tears just means i cry them more

slowly you've entwined yourself in more of my life

intimately you've wound yourself through my body

you are me

you are made of me

and i hate that most

that you, take me and make me you

slowly, relentlessly you take from me and make you

i hold on so tightly to who i am

i demand to be left that essence of who i am

but you ignore me

you even laugh at me

in the end, you intend for me to be yours

worse than that

you intend me for another

you prepare me for the other

but why so early

why can't you let me be

i have my beloved

and i have my angels

why can't i be with them

and forget about you

weariness covers me

tears stream from my face

my body struggles against itself

storms in my head leave me groggy

aches in my body leave me in pain

then i hear a voice

happy birthday

from my beloved

from my little angels

i have made another year

our friendship has yet to be consumated

you do not have me yet

i hate you

i hate you with a passion

because you hate life

and if there is anything that i love

it is life

it is love

it is joy and hope

and your intention is to take them away

but you can't

i will never let you

and today

of all days

with my family

you cannot have me

i love too much

at this moment

even you

i love you

you are as much me as i will ever admit

transformed maybe

malignant maybe

but you are me

begone and never come back

i will live

i will love

i will hope

for those that mean more to me

my beloved, angels, family and friends

between us we will make memories you can never be part of

(C) Copyright Luke Visser 2014 (written Nov 2014)